21 years

I can honestly say that I've never imagined myself being alive this long.

To think that in a matter of days I'll be 21 is...bizarre. If you were to ask me at 14 how old I would be when I'd die, the answer would probably be less than 20 years old. I could never imagine a future in which my life didn't at some point end by my own hands. Admittedly, sometimes I still can't.

This feeling is surreal. It's like I had given my life this countdown clock and now it's less than 72 hours from 0. I'm worried. I've always been a far-in-advance planner. I knew what career path I wanted at 10, what university I wanted to go to at 14, and even what tattoos and piercings I wanted were planned far in advance. But now I don't know what happens.

I think I want to grad school but I'm not sure where or for what. I'm honestly not even sure what career I want to pursue. I don't know where I want to live, or what I want to do, but I know it's not working at Costco forever.

I think for the first time in my life, I'm being forced to live in the moment. Without a 10 year plan to follow, I have to take it day by day.

Guess what?

I HATE IT

I feel like my life is no longer in my own hands; like I have no control of the events that are to come because I haven't already planned for them. I'm fucking terrified. But I'm excited. Like going up the hill of a big rollercoaster just waiting for the drop.

This new, un-prepped path I'm taking is scary. I don't have a map. But I have everything that's gotten me this far to back me up.

So if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, like everyone says I don't want to walk into it.

In fact, I'm ready to become it.