to the boys that loved me

a spark; a small fiery particle thrown off from a fire, alight in ashes, or produced by striking together two hard surfaces such as stone or metal.

as small as a spark is, it can still burn down forests. you were a spark. a little flash, that in the blink of an eye, set me ablaze and kept we warm, until I realized I was burning and all I was left in was ash. i should've known that a whirlwind romance like ours only had a small bit of time before the wind picked up and turned our flame into a full fire. within 3 days, you were my boyfriend, and it wasn't long after that before you told me you loved me. it had been so long since I felt any sort of intimacy that I was sure that I loved you too. but my dear darling ******, I was never in love with you, I was scared of you. you moved so fast and it felt like my only options were to jump aboard, or let the speeding train hit me full force. so i jumped on the the train, moving faster than the speed of light towards a brick wall. ******, you were supposed to keep me safe. i trusted you in a way that i haven't trusted anybody in years, and i don't know that i'll ever be the same again. but i can't pin all the blame on you. yes you raped me, but you weren't the only one. after i cut you out i found another boy who told me he loved me and worshipped me like the goddess i am. except he didn't love me either. but ****** you ruined me. and i never let the wound heal before letting someone else tear it open again. but rape isn't the kind of wound that gets healed with a little antiseptic and and a bandaid. its a scab that never scars, that whenever i seem to think its healed, gets ripped open all over again. then, just like that i'm back to looking in the mirror and hating my body because you touched it. wanting to cut off all my hair because it was something you loved. wishing i could go back in time and scream at myself to STAY AWAY! THIS BOY WILL ONLY HURT YOU! and it's almost funny because i knew from the start this wouldn't end well. you were never supposed to be my forever but this thing that you've done to me can't be erased. the date that would've been our 1 year just passed and knowing that my memories on social media are all going to be you for the next month disgusts me. i looked at all of the pictures of you that i still have in my phone the other day and felt nothing. and for so long i've felt guilty about "what i let happen to myself" but i had no control over your actions. the last time i saw you, i had a panic attack and had to leave work. so, ****** if i NEVER see you again in this lifetime, i promise it'll be too soon. it's taken me a year to let all this out. i hope i was a one time thing and that you never do what you did to me to anyone else. if i find out that you do, i will end your life as you know it you sick fuck. i hope if you see me you see a light that you could not put out, a warrior who doesn't need armour, a sea that will swallow you whole, and a fire that will destroy you in the way you thought you could destroy me.